Now, I can really only talk about this from my perspective, but, as I've talked about sharing my process, here goes! And, understand that, to me anyway, the ceremony is the public face on your relationship. There is a reason you are getting married in front of others, and this is the opportunity to express who you are, and what your relationship is about.
(We can talk about elopement ceremonies another time.)
To me, the key components to a custom ceremony are these:
Vows
Stories or details about your relationship
Readings and/or extra ceremonies
Wording used for traditional components, like the ring exchange
Let's take these one at a time.
Wedding vows - they don't have to be elaborate, but my belief is that they should fit you and your relationship. Now, does that mean that you can't or shouldn't use the traditional "to have and to hold --> I do" vows? Absolutely not. If they fit you and your relationship, and they will be the most meaningful to you, then absolutely use them. If you want, you can start with that, and then add your own line or two afterward. Or, you can create a custom "statement of intent" - where you still say "I do" or "I will" - as for some, that is the feel they want - but the questions asked to get to that "I do" or "I will" answer are custom, fitting your relationship. Or, like most couples who work with me, you can completely write your own vows, which you read. Some couples write them together, and make the same vows to each other. But most write their own, and don't share them until that moment in the ceremony. I try to make this part of the process as easy as possible - I provide a long document with lots of vows ideas - ones I seen, read, heard, written... Some folks choose ones from that document, or combine a few on there to create their own, while others use it as an inspiration to write their own - but now they know what vows could look and feel like. I'll blog more about vows ideas at a later date, as this part is key, in my mind anyway...
Stories or details about your relationship - this is something that I find very important to include, but what I include in each ceremony is very different and is based on the couple. I tell my couples that everyone who is at your wedding will be part of your marriage from here on out, whether they think about it that way now or not. These folks should be their cheerleaders and supporters, throughout their life together - and part of my job is to help them all know more about who they are together, and why each guest should be the cheerleader and supporter of this relationship. My tool for this is a homework assignment that all of my couples complete for me, individually, of questions about their relationship. I say individually, as it's a lot of fun for folks to hear it from both perspectives, both voices - each of you sees your relationship differently, so let's celebrate and share that! Most of my couples thank me for including this step in our ceremony prep process, as it's probably one of the most fun things in all of the wedding prep! And honestly, it should be, as it walks you through your relationship, how you got here, what you're about, and where you're going. I hope you enjoy that, as that's why you're getting married, usually...
Readings and/or extra ceremonies. Extra ceremonies is a topic for a whole 'nother post, as there are so many you can include, with some wonderful meanings! Let's just talk about readings now. Many couples assume that I am talking about religious readings when they hear the word "readings" - but that's only a small subset of what you could include. There are so many beautiful pieces written about love or marriage or friendship, plus more poems and love songs than you could ever imagine, as well as some traditions and pieces from cultures around the world. I try to make this easy as well - I provide a long document of readings ideas. My couples can choose from them, or sometimes it reminds them of a song or a poem or some other item that they came across along the way and want to include. I have found that a blank piece of paper is so very hard for most couple to work with - if I said, hey, what do you want your ceremony to include, that would be tough. But, if I give ideas and suggestions to choose from, so you can give me a sense of your relationship, it makes it easier on everyone. And, since you don't have to stick to just those, it does sometimes remind you of other things that have touched you.
And lastly, wording for the ring exchange and other traditional components. Not only are there different things you can have me use as the introduction for the rings, but there are also very different words you can use to exchange them with each other. What do they mean to you, and what do they represent in your relationship. Also, how do you want me to end it, with the pronouncement? There are different ways we can do that too. Plus, do you want there to be any wording when the bride is walked down the aisle, or just let it be without words? All things to consider and work through together.
I hope this helps! Honestly, I try to make this process as easy and as fun as possible - most of my couples thank me afterward for the process, as it makes them even more excited to be married, once we work through it together!
More later, especially on the extra ceremonies...
Cheers, Bethel
